SONGS                                            10/15/02

 Since practically no Roman music survives, we've had to make our own.  These ditties are just for fun.

--Back in the S.P.Q.R.
--Roman Legionaire
--Dead Celts Roasting on an Open Fire
--Roman Republican  by Marcus Cassius Julianus and Patricia Cassia
--Pictish Marching Song
--Heroine Barbarian  by Kevin Wald
--Boots, Boots, Boots by Rudyard Kipling
--Off to Fight the Heathen
--Mithras the Sun God

BACK IN THE S.P.Q.R.  by the "Scarabaei" (Okay, it's really spoofed by Quintus.)  There are other versions of this out there--I didn't know of them when I wrote this!

Rode about a week along the Appian Way
Didn't get to bed last night
All the way the poultices were on my knee
Man, I had a dreadful ride

      I'm back in the SPQR
      You don't know how lucky you are, boys
      Back in the SPQR

Been away so long I hardly knew the slaves
Gee, it's good to be back home
Leave until tomorrow to unpack my mule *
Honey, let's just stay in Rome

 (chorus)

   Well, those Latin girls really knock me out
   They leave the East behind
   And Sabine girls make me sing and shout
   That Julia's always on my... mind

Show me round those seven hilltops way down south
Take me to your daddy's farm
Let me hear your third declension ringing out **
Come and keep your citizen warm

 (chorus)

*  It doesn't rhyme in Latin, either
**  Uncertain, possibly a reference to votive offerings

ROMAN LEGIONAIRE  To the tune of "British Grenadier" (Spoofed by Quintus)

Some talk of Alexander and some of Hercules
Of Marius and Caesar and such great men as these
But of all the world's great heros there's none that can compare
   Sing tow-row-row-row-row
To the Roman Legionaire

Whenever we're commanded to storm the palisade
We form a grand testudo, advancing in its shade
We crash right through the gateway and kill everyone who's there
   Sing tow-row-row-row-row
To the Roman Legionaire

The Tribunes all are children, the Legates all are drunks
Centurions are sadists, and the Optios are punks
But luckily for Rome, the ranks are filled with men most fair
   Sing tow-row-row-row-row
To the Roman Legionaire

There's some prefer the Pilum, and some the Gladius
There's some who use the Scutum to smash 'em in the puss
But no matter what your preference, you'll find true friendship here
   Sing tow-row-row-row-row
To the Roman Legionaire

So chug-a-lug that fish sauce, and slather on the oil
Strap on that dreadfull armor and feel your body boil
When you've marched ten thousand paces, you're only halfway there
   Sing tow-row-row-row-row
To the Roman Legionaire

DEAD CELTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE (Spoofed by Quintus)

Dead Celts roasting on an open fire
Short swords nipping at your nose
Wartime songs being sung by a legion
And corpses dressed in shades of woad

Ev'rybody knows a Druid and some mistletoe
Help to keep the fire bright
Tiny Celts, with their homes all aglow
Won't find it hard to sleep tonight

    They know that Caesar's on his way
    He's finding lots of Celt barbarians to slay
    And every mother's child is gonna fry
    After the Romans make their parents die

And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To Celts from one to ninety-two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
"Rome will always beat you!"

ROMAN REPUBLICAN
by Marcus Cassius Julianus and Patricia Cassia (www.novaroma.org)

(Sung to the much-abused tune of Gilbert & Sullivan's
"I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General")

I am the very model of a staunch Roman Republican
I like to read from Cato because things were so much better then
I uphold all the virtues, except when they're really bugging me
I think I'm so superior with my Stoic philosophy

My family is patrician, we're descended from a deity
With pietas and dignitas, but never spontaneity
We clap politely at the games when gladiators spear their foes
And when we write a speech it always sounds like one of Cicero's

My first wife I divorced because she wasn't rich enough for me
My second ran away while I was on campaign in Sicily
I cast my vote to help a friend and so I've just become engaged
His lovely teenage daughter will become my wife when she's of age

I've spent my whole life climbing up the Roman cursus honorum
It's all to do with breeding, doesn't matter if your smart or dumb
My slaves and clients tell me someday surely I'll be Rome's First Man
or else I'll bribe the voters to make Consul as a backup plan

I wear my Senate toga with my sandals and my ring of gold
I don't think anyone should lead unless he's really, really old
My head is filled with good advice from Stoic sages myriad
Which makes up for my hair, which disappeared when I was just a lad

I'm always at my happiest when all our legions are deployed
"Because, O Conscript Fathers, it is Carthage that must be destroyed!"
I'm a military genius when I'm speaking on the Senate floor
I went out with the legions once, but they won't have me any more

I built my family fortune up, tax-farming in the colonies
I raided someone's temple for my statues and my courtyard frieze
I taxed grain from the provinces and shipped it promptly back to Rome
To serve bread to the Head Count, because everyone likes peace at home

The food I eat is covered with a pungent salty fishy paste
It keeps the meat good longer so it doesn't have to go to waste
We haven't got tomatoes yet; it really makes me want to cry
'Cause there's nothing more Italian than a pepperoni pizza pie

I offered sacrifice up to the great Triad Capitoline
and tied a ribbon to my sheep to let the Gods know it was mine
I also make devotions at my domicile's lararium
Our household rites are all the same, we never like to vary 'em

I keep my cellar stocked with casks of all the best Falernian wine
It's just what they expect of you when you live on the Palatine
When I leave town I'm glad to know that all the roads lead back to Rome
That way I can get drunk and still be sure that I will make it home

I'm very well acquainted with the Roman leaders various
I'm pompouser than Pompey and I'm manlier than Marius
I am the Perfect Roman, with the word, the thought, the deed, the look
You can find out more about me in Colleen McCullough's next new book

And all my friends and colleagues from the Senate, they are just like me...
Because of us you can be sure that Rome will live in history!

     Sensational new discoveries have been made at an archaeological dig at the site of a Roman army camp near Hadrian's Wall. When the legions were evacuated, orders were sent out to destroy all valuable military records. However, in the far-flung camps, lazy army bureaucrats simply pitched all the files into the nearest bog. Now archaeologists are recovering all the records, preserved in the highly tannic bog water.  Among the latest discoveries is what appears to be a Latin translation of a Pictish folk-song. No doubt the lonely legionaries on sentry duty on the wall heard the melodic strains drifting on the wind from the Pictish encampments to the north.  Roman soldiers must have learned this traditional Pictish melody, which is the earliest folksong recorded in the British Isles.
     Of particular interest is the chorus of syllabic vocables, remarkably similar to the Gaelic walking song which is not found in written records until almost 1000 years later. In fact, a remarkable similar chorus of vocables: I\ aigh i\ aigh o\ can be found in a walking song from Skye, "Tha baile aig sean-Mhac a' Domhnuill",in the Frances Tolmie collection.
     Following is a transcription of the original manuscript:

  Senex Macdonaldus habebat fundum, EIEIO
  Et in ille fundum habebat porces, EIEIO
  Cum oink oink hic, oink oink hoc
  Oink hic, oink hoc, ubique oink oink
  Senex Macdonaldus habebat fundum, EIEIO

  Senex Macdonaldus habebat fundum, EIEIO
  Et in ille fundum habebat boves, EIEIO
  Cum moo moo hic, moo moo hoc
  Moo hic, moo hoc, ubique moo moo
  Senex Macdonaldus habebat fundum, EIEIO

  Senex Macdonaldus habebat fundum, EIEIO
  Et in ille fundum habebat oves, EIEIO
  Cum baa baa hic, baa baa hoc
  Baa hic, baa hoc, ubique baa baa
  Senex Macdonaldus habebat fundum, EIEIO

  Senex Macdonaldus habebat fundum, EIEIO
  Et in ille fundum habebat anates, EIEIO
  Cum quack quack hic, quack quack hoc
  Quack hic, quack hoc, ubique quack quack
  Senex Macdonaldus habebat fundum, EIEIO

  etc.

HEROINE BARBARIAN by Kevin Wald

(Note from Quintus: Kevin, I hope you will not object to my putting your WONDERFUL composition on my site!  It was sent to me quite a while back, and it is simply too funny to resist.  I don't know who you are, but I think I love you!)

[We join our operetta already in progress. The infamous Pirates of Pergamum have just seized a bevy of beautiful Mytilenean maidens, and are attempting to carry them off for matrimonial purposes. Gabrielle intervenes, with a recitative (well, it's better than a pan flute solo):]

Gabrielle: Hold, scoundrels! Ere ye practice acts of villainy
                Upon the peaceful and agrarian,
                Just bear in mind, these maidens of My-TIL-ene [1]
                Are guarded by a buff barbarian!

Pirates: We'd better all rethink our cunning plan;
             They're guarded by a buff barbarian.

Maidens: Yes, yes, she is a buff barbarian.

[Xena leaps in from the wings, with a tremendous war cry, does a mid-air somersault, and lands on her feet on the Pirate King's chest.]

Xena: Yes, yes, I am a buff barbarian! [The orchestra starts up.]

      I am the very model of a heroine barbarian;
      Through Herculean efforts, I've become humanitarian.
      I ride throughout the hinterland -- at least that's what they call it in
      Those sissy towns like Athens (I, myself, am Amphipolitan).
      I travel with a poet who is perky and parthenian [2]
      And scribbles her hexameters in Linear Mycenian [3]
      (And many have attempted, by a host of methods mystical,
      To tell if our relationship's sororal or sapphistical).

Chorus: To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
              To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
              To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphisti-phistical!

Xena: My armory is brazen, but my weapons are ironical;
      My sword is rather phallic, but my chakram's rather yonical [4]
      (To find out what that means, you'll have to study Indo-Aryan [5]).
      I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Chorus: To find out what that means, we'll have to study Indo-Aryan --
            She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Xena: I wake up every morning, ere the dawn is rhododactylous [6]
      (Who needs to wait for daylight? I just work by sensus tactilis [7].)
      And ride into the sunrise to protect some local villagers
      From mythologic monsters or from all-too-human pillagers.
      I hurtle towards each villain with a recklessness ebullient
      And cow him with my swordwork and my alalaes ululient [8];
      He's frightened for his head, because he knows I'm gonna whack it --he's
      Aware that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes!

[The music crashes to a halt, as the Chorus stares at Xena in utter confusion. She sighs.] It's *Greek*.  It means "Warrior Princess"!  [Light dawns on the Chorus, and the music resumes.]  Sheesh . . .

Chorus: He knows that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes!
              He knows that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes!
              He knows that his opponent is the Basileia Makhe-makhetes,

Xena: Because I've got my armor, which is really rather silly, on
     (It's cut so low I feel like I'm the topless tow'rs of Ilion,
     And isn't any use against attackers sagittarian [9]).
     I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Chorus: It isn't any use against attackers sagittarian --
         She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Xena: In short, when I can tell you how I break the laws of gravity,
     And why my togs expose my intermammary concavity,
     And why my comrade changed her dress from one that fit more comfily
     To one that shows her omphalos [10] (as cute as that of Omphale [11]),
     And why the tale of Spartacus appears in Homer's versicon [12],
     [She holds up a tomato:]
     And where we found examples of the genus Lycopersicon [13],
     And why this Grecian scenery looks more like the Antipodes,
     You'll say I'm twice the heroine of any in Euripides!

Chorus: We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
             We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
             We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripi-ripides!

Xena: But though the kinked chronology, confusing and chimerical
     (It's often unhistorical, but rarely unhysterical),
     Would give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian,
     I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Chorus: 'Twould give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian --
        She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!

[As the orchestra plays the final chords, a wild Xenaesque melee ensues, and the curtain has to be brought down.]

Notes:

[1] Actually, "Mytilene" would properly be accented on the third syllable; Gabrielle always did have trouble with rhymes. (Mytilene, incidentally, is a city on the isle of Lesbos -- the hometown of the poet Sappho, as a matter of fact. It is not clear what, if anything, Gilbert is trying to imply here.)

[2] parthenian: virginal.

[3] Linear Mycenian: Mycenian is the ancient dialect of Greek which was written in Linear B (a form of Greek writing that predates the adoption of the alphabet). The implication is that Gabrielle does her writing in Linear B; if Xena takes place around the time of the Trojan war, this is chronologically reasonable.

[4] yonical: "Yonic" is the female counterpart to "phallic".

[5] Indo-Aryan: The language group consisting of Sanskrit and its close relatives. Both "chakram" and "yonic" are of Sanskrit derivation.

[6] rhododactylous: rosy-fingered. (Homer makes frequent reference to rhododaktulos eos -- "rosy-fingered dawn".)

[7] sensus tactilis: Latin for "the sense of touch".

[8] "Alalaes" are war-cries (the Greeks spelled a Xena-like war cry as alala or alale) and "ululient" is a coined term, apparently meaning "characterized by ululation".

[9] sagittarian: archer-like.

[10] omphalos: belly-button.

[11] Omphale: Legendary queen of Lydia. From context, we must assume that she had a cute belly-button; however, no known classical source seems to address this vital issue.

[12] versicon: a coined term, apparently meaning "collection of verse".

[13] Lycopersicon: the biological genus to which tomatoes are assigned.  (The tomato is a New World plant, and was entirely unknown in the Old World in pre-Columbian times. Thus, having tomatoes in a Xena-ish context is an even greater anachronism than having Homer tell the tale of Spartacus.)

--Our own Owen Hutchins submitted this, saying that you simply have to change "over Africa" to "to Brittania", and "bullets in the bandolier" to
"rivets in the lorica".

                        WE'RE foot-slog-slog-slog-sloggin' over Africa
                        Foot-foot-foot-foot-sloggin' over Africa-
                        (Boots-boots-boots-boots-movin' up and down again!)
                                         There's no discharge in the war!

                        Seven-six-eleven-five-nine-an'-twenty mile today-
                        Four-eleven-seventeen-thirty-two the day before-
                        (Boots-boots-boots-boots-movin' up and down again!)
                                         There's no discharge in the war!

                        Don't-don't-don't-don't-look at what's in front of you.
                        (Boots-boots-boots-boots-movin' up an' down again);
                        Men-men-men-men-men go mad with watchin' 'em,
                                         An' there's no discharge in the war!

                        Try-try-try-try-to think o' something different-
                        Oh-my-God-keep-me from goin' lunatic!
                        (Boots-boots-boots-boots-movin' up an' down again!)
                                         There's no discharge in the war!

                        Count-count-count-count-the bullets in the bandoliers.
                        If-your-eyes-drop-they will get atop o' you
                        (Boots-boots-boots-boots-movin' up and down again)-
                                         There's no discharge in the war!

                        We-can-stick-out-'unger, thirst, an' weariness,
                        But-not--not-not-not the chronic sight of 'em-
                        Boots-boots-boots-boots-movin' up an' down again,
                                         An' there's no discharge in the war!

                        'Tain't-so-bad-by-day because o' company,
                        But-night-brings-long-strings-o' forty thousand million
                        Boots-boots-boots-boots-movin' up an' down again.
                                         There's no discharge in the war!

                        I-'ave-marched-six-weeks in 'Ell an' certify
                        It-is-not-fire-devils-dark or anything,
                        But boots-boots-boots-boots-movin' up an' down again,
                                         An' there's no discharge in the war!

OFF TO FIGHT THE HEATHEN, Submitted by Roger Moskey, author unknown

Oh!  we're off to fight the heathen in the wilds of German-ee
Tall men tough men and all for victor-ee
and when we have them on the run we all will shout for glee
For we are the Roman legionary infantr-ee

MITHRAS THE SUN GOD, to the tune of Frosty the Snowman

http://www.celticwitch.net/mithras_song.html